A store manager overheard one of his salesmen talking to a customer. "No sir," said the salesman." We haven't had any for awhile and it doesn't look like we'll be getting any soon." The manager was horrified and yelled after the departing customer, "Come back next week. We're sure to have whatever it is you need." Irate, the manager then turned to his salesman sand said, "Never tell a customer we're out of anything! Now, what did he want?" The salesman replied, "sunshine.”
One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away. Soon everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?" The man said, "Nope, sure ain't." Upset, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old stared at her for a couple minutes before walking up and whispering, "I know what you've been doing."
Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent. Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below. Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street. The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills. "What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."
Three vampires walk into a bar. The bartender looks at him suspiciously, but decides to serve them anyway. "What’ll be, boys?" The first vampire says, "Blood. Give me blood." The second vampire says, "I too wish for blood!" The third vampire says, "Give me plasma." The bartender smiles and says "Got it. Two bloods and a blood-light."
The parents of a difficult boy were discussing what to give him for a birthday present. The mother said, "Let's buy him a bicycle." "Well," said the father, "maybe... but do you think it will improve his behavior?" "Probably not," said the mother, "but it will spread it over a wider area."
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, an ambulance killed her. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that ambulance?" God replied, "Girl, I didn't recognize you."
An engineer dies and goes to hell. He becomes dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell and starts designing and building improvements. After a while they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs and answers, "Yeah, right, and just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Mr. Johnson was overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. He said, "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day. Repeat this for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least five pounds." When Mr. Johnson returned, he shocked the doctor by having dropped almost twenty pounds. The doctor asked, "You did this just by following my instructions?" The slimmed down Mr. Johnson nodded. "I'll tell you, though, I though I was going to drop dead that third day." The doctor said, "From hunger, you mean?" "No," replied Mr. Johnson, "from skipping."
A man named Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle with two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and asks, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answers Juan, to which the guard replies, "We'll just see about that..." The guard takes the bags, rips them apart, empties them out and finds nothing but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, but discovers that it really is nothing but pure sand. Finally, the guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders and lets him cross the border. The next day, the same thing happens -- Juan approaches the border on his bicycle with two bags of sand. The guard asks him, "What have you got?" and Juan replies, "Sand." Again the guard does a thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the border. This sequence is repeated every day for several months until finally the guard is sitting in a cantina in