A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened ? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine." The bartender says, "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now." The bartender replied, "OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. Me hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really." The bartender asks, "What about that eye patch?" "Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye." "You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird poop." The pirate replies, "It was my first day with the hook."
A priest and a lawyer were killed in a car accident and showed up at the Pearly Gates together. St. Peter was there to greet them and he took them to the homes where they would spend all of eternity. They got into St. Peter's Holy golf cart and headed down a gold road which turned into a platinum road which turned into a platinum road which turned into a driveway paved with diamonds leading to a huge mansion - where St. Peter turned to the lawyer and said "Here is your home for all of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know!"
St. Peter and the priest got back on the road. Back down the driveway paved in diamonds, back down the Platinun Road, back down the gold road, turned onto a silver road; along an asphalt road into a cobblestone alley and finally down a dirt footpath to a shack. St. Peter says "Here ya go!" and goes to leave when the priest said "Wait a minute. How come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get the shack?"
St. Peter said "priests are a dime a dozen here. We've never had a lawyer before."
A man asks his wife, "If you could have anything in the world for one day, what would you want?" She replies, "I'd love to be six again." On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Off to McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie: the latest
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?' 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!' Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?' 'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!' 'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said. She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or mess around with women a lot?' 'No,' I said... She looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even care?”
After many sessions the psychiatrist says to his patient, "Congratulations, you're cured!" The patient replies, "Some cure. Before I was Alexander the Great. Now I’m nobody."
A store manager overheard one of his salesmen talking to a customer. "No sir," said the salesman." We haven't had any for awhile and it doesn't look like we'll be getting any soon." The manager was horrified and yelled after the departing customer, "Come back next week. We're sure to have whatever it is you need." Irate, the manager then turned to his salesman sand said, "Never tell a customer we're out of anything! Now, what did he want?" The salesman replied, "sunshine.”
One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away. Soon everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?" The man said, "Nope, sure ain't." Upset, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old stared at her for a couple minutes before walking up and whispering, "I know what you've been doing."